Serving Whitman County since 1877
Serving Whitman County since 1877
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Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2009. The Sound of Bad-Car Karma I was driving down the highway a few days ago when my car’s engine began making an odd, expensive-sounding noise. A small light appeared on my dashboard, illuminating a small symbol that seemed to indicate my transmission had just lost a chicken. I called my mechanic, Melvin Walletdrainer. “Is the noise like, ‘klug-pee, klug-pee, krakatoa klug-pee-pee’?” he wanted to know. “Not really,” I replied. “More like a ‘Mike’s little toe, Mike’s little to... Full story
Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2009. Squirrel War One This is the first in a two-part series in which I go man-to-man in a heroic battle of wits with a squirrel. Now, I know what you’re thinking: not exactly a fair fight, my brain against that of a tree-climbing rodent. But don’t fret — to even up the odds, I had my dog helping me. Some time ago, I put a bird feeder out on the balcony because I like to feed birds and not squirrels. Within minutes, however, a small, grey, definitively non-avian squirrel was sit... Full story
The Smartest Guy in an Empty Room Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2008. I was the smartest person I knew until I met other people. Smug in my knowledge of the world, I went off to kindergarten as a mathematical prodigy, master of the complex equation “2 plus 2 equals 4.” The first person I told this to, Tom Reddinger, was awed — he didn’t even know there was a 4. Other students, though, claimed to know this already, sneering at me and even going so far as to claim that “3 plus 3 equals 6,” which I realize is no...
Eight Simple Rules for Marrying My Daughter Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2008. Having a teenage daughter is a bit like living in the middle of a zombie movie. There will be a knock on the door, and when you open it you’ll find standing there a smelly, unwashed, slack-faced male wearing ill-fitting clothes and wanting to take your daughter on a date. When she appears from where she has been shoveling on her makeup, he’ll regard her with that zombie-hunger in his eyes. Your natural impulse is to get rid of th...
Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2008. When I was in third grade, I was beaten up on the playground for winning the spelling bee. Back then, I thought of myself as a pretty tough kid, but I didn’t have a chance in this particular fight: I was at least an inch shorter and 10 pounds lighter than she was. Apparently by besting the odds-on favorite — a girl we called “Linda Blotnick” because that was her name, and because when someone has a last name like “Blotnick” you can’t not say it every time you mention her — I...
