Bruce Cameron - Aug. 20, 2009

Welcome to My Concussion

When I look up at the sky, the one thing I don’t expect to see is my feet. That’s exactly the view I got, though, when a patch of wet, slippery floor caused my legs to go out from underneath me and my head to smack the ground as if I were river dancing upside down.

It was like that scene in “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World” where Ethel Merman slips on a banana peel, only I think it was funnier when she did it.

I hit my head so hard I saw “Dancing With the Stars” — though I suppose the fact that my kids were watching it on television was a factor.

(In case you haven’t seen it, “Dancing With the Stars” is a show featuring top-name celebrities like Steve Wozniak. I don’t know if they river dance on the program, though if they do, I suspect they do it right-side up. Celebrity star Wozniak was one of the founders of Apple Computer and is widely recognized at that company. He’s a celebrity because he once dated Kathy Griffin, who is a celebrity because of her stand-up act in which she makes fun of herself for not being a celebrity. See why they call it “Dancing With the Stars”?)

Reading the above paragraph, you probably have correctly deduced that when I hit my head, I suffered a concussion. You might also be angry at me for making fun of the choice of Mr. Wozniak as a contestant. “Hey,” I can hear you saying, “there are real stars on that show, like Lil’ Kim!”

Lil’ Kim is a female celebrity who is famous for having gone to prison and for having breasts.

None of this occurred to me when I hit my head. I felt only pain, both from the impact of my skull on the planet and from viewing such a dreadful TV show. My children all looked at me, alarmed that they might have to stop watching television.

“Are you OK?” my younger daughter asked me.

My whole life, no matter what has happened to me, this is the first question people have asked, even when I am obviously not “OK.” I could have an alien clawing its way out of my chest cavity, and my kids would still ask, “Are you OK?” If the alien said, “Yes, I’m fine,” they’d go back to watching “Dancing With Steve Wozniak.”

I elected not to answer my daughter — because having my brain bounce around in my skull had jarred loose certain thoughts, the way a phonograph needle will skip to a new song if you jar the turntable.

I thought of things long, long forgotten, such as the way a phonograph needle will skip to a new song if you jar the turntable.

I thought, “You should have kissed Susie at Teen Town.” I thought about Yasmin Bleeth, star of the TV show “Baywatch,” famous for being sentenced to two years’ probation and for having breasts.

“Dancing With the Stars,” I decided, is like “Baywatch,” only with more plot.

Women bounce around like my brain during a concussion, wearing skimpy outfits — I ask you, is that “Baywatch” or “Dancing With the Stars”?

I looked up and saw my kids peering down at me with concern. “Is it a commercial or something?” I asked.

They called a doctor, who advised them to ask me questions to see if I was disoriented.

“OK,” said my son the biology major, “Explain the role of RNA polymerase in the protein synthesis of eukaryotic cells.”

“Can I use a lifeline? I want to call Steve Wozniak.”

They exchanged glances. “Dad,” my older daughter said gently, “Steve Wozniak? The famous dancing celebrity?”

They decided my answer was evidence of brain injury and that I should go to the ER to be declared incompetent so they could have my car. Because it was an emergency, my daughters took an hour to put on makeup in case any of the doctors were cute.

An examination revealed I did have a concussion, but first we had to sit in the waiting room, watching TV.

Guess what was on?

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