Cameron - Sept. 17, 2009

National Go-Topless Day Exposed

There are times when I feel it is my duty to my readers to investigate certain stories even if it involves great personal sacrifice, which is why, this past Aug. 23, I went to a rally hosted by the organizers of National Go-Topless Day.

I’m not sure what I expected from National Go-Topless Day, but I think I have a pretty good idea of what I hoped. When I arrived at the rally, however, I found my view of the protesters was almost completely blocked by hundreds and hundreds of men who had selflessly turned out to support the cause.

From my vantage point, there were only a dozen or so women who were nearly nude on top — I say “nearly” because they all wore pasties to prevent any actual toplessness. So basically, National Go-Topless Day was more like National Gawking-Men Day.

The men, by the way, were not topless themselves, for which I was grateful, as some of them had bodies the shape of meatloaf.

By “meatloaf,” I mean both the food and the singer.

The organization behind the rally is the Raelian Movement, which, according to the literature they handed out, “recognizes that life on Earth was created by advanced extraterrestrial scientists.” So no, the whole “Go-Topless” thing is not the craziest idea they’ve ever come up with.

The Raelians want women to have the “same constitutional right” as men to go shirtless. (It’s in the fine print of the Second Amendment: “The rights of people to bear arms shall not be infringed, also men can run around without shirts on, even if they’re really hairy guys, but not women, no matter how hairy. Oh, also, men should really think twice about wearing Speedos to the beach; I mean, come on.”)

The Raelians (and almost nobody else, it would seem) celebrate National Go-Topless Day in August because Aug. 26 is Women’s Equality Day in America — though somehow I think that when it comes to measures designed to bring about equality between the sexes, the right to parade around naked in front of a bunch of leering men is probably not at the top of most women’s lists.

To further confuse the issue, the male Raelians at the rally wore bras, supporting their constitutional right to be uncomfortable. The sight of these guys marching around in women’s underwear seemed to be even more disappointing to the gawking men in the audience than the fact that so few women showed up to exercise their constitutional right to provide free male entertainment.

“Women,” shouted a guy with a bullhorn, “you spend $500 million a day on bras, is that right?”

“No!” shouted the women, which is probably the correct answer. If the guy were accurate, it would mean that more than $150 billion a year goes into bras, or about 10 times what we spend on the space program. And if we don’t spend more money on rockets than bras, how will we ever develop the technology to go into outer space to visit the extraterrestrials who created us?

The extraterrestrials, claim the Raelians, created humans with “breasts included,” the way certain toys come with “batteries included,” so your children won’t be disappointed when they get home from the toy store.

It just follows that if the extraterrestrials put breasts on women, then men should be able to look at them in the name of sexual equality. Otherwise, the men might be disappointed when they get to the rally. If the men want to wear bras while they gawk, that’s just fine, but again — no Speedos, please.

The most expensive bra ever created cost around $12.5 million, so maybe the $500-million-a-day figure wasn’t that far off, after all. (In the name of research, I spent several hours online looking at pictures of lingerie models. I don’t get paid enough for this job.) Somehow, seeing women dressed seemed sexier to me than seeing topless women marching down the street with a guy exhorting them with a bullhorn, but I guess it is all a matter of personal taste.

I can’t help it, that’s just how the extraterrestrials made me.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com.

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