BRUCE CAMERON - Oct. 22, 2009

Oct 22, 20090

Trial of the Dog

The following is from the actual court transcripts in the trial of the Dog, accused by his owner (me) of knocking over the garbage can, chewing shoes and an assortment of other misdemeanors.

Judge (me): For these terrible crimes, how do you plead?

Dog: I deny what I did was “terrible,” I deny what I did were crimes, and I deny that I did them. Can we go for a walk?

Judge: No. Sit. You’ve been a bad dog.

Dog: Are you going to finish your sandwich? I think that’s the real question here.

Judge: When I came home, the trash can was knocked over, garbage was strewn about the kitchen, and you’d pulled out a bone and eaten it.

Dog: The cat did it.

Judge: The cat did not do it. The cat couldn’t possibly knock over the trash can.

Dog: Do you realize there’s a squirrel in the yard? Squirrel!

Judge: You should not be eating garbage — it will make you sick.

Dog: Well I didn’t eat all of it. I spat out the banana peel.

Judge: So you admit it!

Dog: I was entrapped! You put a bone in there. If you’re going to set up a sting operation, why don’t you go after the cat?

Judge: For what?

Dog: For being a cat.

Judge: Then there’s the matter of my shoes, which you pulled out of my closet and chewed in the living room.

Dog: Where else was I supposed to chew them?

Judge: You’re not supposed to chew my shoes at all!

Dog: I had to chew the shoes — my mouth tasted like a banana peel.

Judge: The shoes are ruined! I was forced to throw them out.

Dog: I hope you didn’t put them in the trash can, because that would be entrapment again.

Judge: You may not knock over the trash can!

Dog: Then stop putting my treats in there!

Judge: Dog experts say that when dogs chew shoes, it’s because they crave discipline.

Dog: What kind of “expert” can he be if he thinks a dog craves discipline? What I crave is sandwich.

Judge: One of the most important commands is “heel,” so we’re going to start working on that.

Dog: I can’t believe you would even use such a word in my presence.

Judge: I went to the pet store and bought a choke collar.

Dog: What, they were out of rawhide treats?

Judge: After lunch, we’re going to do some training.

Dog: Lunch?

Judge: Not for you, you don’t get lunch.

Dog: No lunch? Then is it any wonder that I ate the garbage?

Judge: You’re not exactly starving.

Dog: Dinner?

Judge: No, it’s not time for dinner.

Dog: Car ride?

Judge: Do you have anything to say in mitigation or extenuation before I pass sentence?

Dog: Yes, I do. The cat sleeps all day.

Judge: What’s that got to do with anything?

Dog: When there’s a squirrel in the yard — squirrel! — who barks? Me, that’s who. When the delivery man comes, who barks? Me, that’s who. When you eat your lunch, who watches you take every bite? Who has carefully marked every tree and bush in the neighborhood, expanding our territory and influence? Who worked all day digging a hole in the yard?

Judge: You dug up the yard?

Dog: The point is, not the cat. You can’t rely on her to do anything. Half the time, she doesn’t even finish her dinner, so I have to!

Judge: You’ve been eating the cat food?

Dog: I just think that when it comes to a small issue of the trash can getting knocked over when there was a perfectly good bone in there that we both know needed to come out, we can agree I am not a bad dog, and that the cat is a bad cat. Can I lick your plate?

Judge: Of course not. All right, in the matter of the trash can and the shoes, I find you guilty, and you are a bad dog.

Dog: What? After my brilliant summation?

Judge: You hear me? Bad dog. Bad dog.

Dog: OK then! Now that we got that out of our systems, want to go for a walk?

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com.