My Two Cents: Moscow stricken by Halowe’en zombie invasion

For decades, we have walked oblivious through the streets of our eastern neighbor Moscow.

We Whitman County residents have enjoyed Moscow for its classic movie theaters, shopping mall, book stores and luscious gyros.

It is only now, in the light of day following the tragic events of Oct. 25, that we realize our folly was not one of arrogance and need, but of ignorance and neglect.

Just before twilight Sunday, Viola Slim, caretaker of the Moscow cemetery, said he heard unearthly creaks and groans while making his nightly rounds.

“I definitely heard somethin’ from the ground,” a horrified Slim told the Gazette Monday. “But I ain’t cleared out the sprinkler system for the winter yet, so I just figgered the pipes were a-bustin’. I figgered I’d catch ‘em this mornin’, but I ain’t had the chance ‘cause o’ the what-not.”

Slim’s job of checking the cemetery’s sprinkler system should be a lot easier today.

The cemetery grounds are torn up, as if a geologic eruption had blown them out from below.

Gravestones lie on the grass like dominos flicked down by some puerile leviathan.

All this as a result of a zombie awakening that ruled the streets of Moscow Sunday night.

A Gazette reporter who happened to be on scene reported seeing more than 200 zombies running roughshod along the once-proud business district of the Heart of the Arts.

They gathered at Friendship Square, lured there by the promise of a large gathering of the living for a drive to stock up the local food bank.

Suddenly, the walking undead broke out in chants.

“What do we want?”

“BRAINS!”

“When do we want ‘em?”

“BRAINS!”

Bloody children were spotted feasting on severed hands.

Groups of the undead tossed limbs at motor carriages that had the nerve to drive by.

At the Kenworthy, the zombie crowd snacked on popped knuckles as they watched video footage of a brain surgery.

Fourteen vegan zombies were spotted feasting on scarecrows outside the co-op.

Our Gazette reporter returned with an undead forearm, taken when one of the ghoulish gang reached inside their automobile for a chance at a juicy reporter’s brain. (Little did the zombie know that a reporter’s brain could scarcely feed a metaphysical moppet.)

Local officials were troubled by the sudden unearthing of Moscow’s deceased.

A statement released from Moscow Mayor Lulabelle Bodean stated her concern for the living and her commitment to make them all feel safe.

“We invite all non-zombie residents of Moscow – and the entire Palouse – to come to city hall if they feel the need for protection,” the mayor told the Gazette in a telephone interview. “We especially welcome university professors with their big, juicy BRAINS.”

An attempted interview with the mayor netted only a series of slurping noises and grunts.

Officials on this side of the border, meanwhile, said the outbreak of the undead was yet another example of Moscow appealing to alternative lifestyles.

Washington State Representative Boris Van Helton said Washington’s oppressive brain taxes have pushed the undead into Idaho cemeteries. He pledged to introduce legislation that would make Washington more zombie-friendly.

When daybreak finally came around, the ghoulish Muscovites returned to their homes six feet under, and the horrified living came out to pick up the pieces – the arms, legs, ears and eyebrows – and put the madness of that Sunday night behind them.

(ed. – the pictures taken of zombies in Moscow were not from an actual zombie invasion, but where part of the 2009 Zombie Walk – part of a food drive put on Sunday night by WorldMoscow. Organizers estimated the event brought in enough food to feed 375 families which was donated to the Idaho Food Bank. )