W. Bruce Cameron - My Weight-Loss Blog

I saw an ad recently that said, “Get Paid to Lose Weight” — but when I called and told them I had lost 10 pounds, they refused to send me a check. So I gained the weight back.

Determined to make dieting a source of income, I’ve now started a weight-loss blog, where thousands of people will come every day and read about what I’ve been eating and then buy T-shirts, hats and candy bars. If I sell a thousand T-shirts at $200 each, well, you do the math.

Day 1: Started my diet with a healthy salad and iced tea. Please click on the link to buy a T-shirt!

“A Reader Named Your Son” comments: So, Dad, how come you didn’t mention that you had a plate of nachos with sour cream on them and then a bacon-and-cheese burrito with extra cheese and extra bacon?

Response: Thank you for your comment, reader! I had the nachos and burrito prior to starting my diet, which, as I said, consisted of salad and iced tea.

“I Was There” comments: I suppose the empty bowl of ice cream after dinner doesn’t mean anything, either.

Response: Thank you for taking time to comment on my blog, and for pointing out that the bowl was “empty,” meaning it contained no ice cream. One cannot gain weight from an empty bowl.

“Freezer Inspector” comments: Yeah, Dad, the ice-cream carton was empty, too, so I guess you didn’t gain any weight from that, either.

Response: Thank you for your comment! I am sure there are other blogs you would enjoy visiting and would encourage you to do so now.

“Oh No, This is Far Too Much Fun” comments: Also, you ate like, what, six doughnuts this morning?

Response: Thanks. As of this time, we are limiting the Weight-Loss Diet Blog to dinners only. Breakfast is not included, and you had a doughnut yourself.

“Not the One Who Is Fat” comments: Oh, so you’re lying only about dinners? And what’s this “we” business? Are you so fat you take up space for two whole people?

Response: The moderator of this blog reserves the right to ban comments that constitute spam.

“Ha!” comments: It is not spam, but if it were, I’m sure you would eat it along with everything else in the refrigerator. I don’t get how you can be the moderator since you don’t “moderate” anything, especially your consumption of food.

Day 2: A single chicken breast, broccoli, carrots, spinach and an apple. Special two-for-one sale on T-shirts!

“You Must Think I’m Blind” comments: Yes, you did eat the chicken, but only after you polished off the rest of the doughnuts. Also, you don’t get credit for the vegetables if you only looked at them. And Dad, no one is going to pay that much for a T-shirt that says, “Will Diet for Food.” It’s not funny and doesn’t even make any sense.

Response: We so appreciate comments from our readers! The doughnuts were consumed prior to any dinner and thus are not considered part of the diet. I did eat the carrots, but you’re right, I was unable to finish eating the other vegetables because I was so full from my delicious low-calorie dinner. And I already sold a T-shirt, Mr. Smarty Pants.

“Yeah, Right” comments: But not too full to polish off a huge hunk of chocolate cake with ice cream, a candy bar and a bag of potato chips. And I know you sold a T-shirt — to ME. I bought it to see how your system works. I used your credit card.

Response: It is so nice to receive comments even if they are completely false. It was not a “huge” hunk of cake, and you had some potato chips, too. And any candy bars I eat is in the name of research in that I’m soon going to offer them for sale on my blog. I’m losing significant weight due to my rigorous diet.

“Significant weight? Oh, please!” comments:

Note from the moderator: The comment from this user was removed for noncompliance with our policy requiring respect for your father.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at http://www.creators.com.

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