Bruce Cameron - From Dear Dear Ivanya

W. BRUCE CAMERON

I have a problem with my spam filter: It sometimes blocks e-mails from Nigerian bankers who want to transfer large sums of money to my checking account, from people who are willing to give me access to dangerous narcotics and from scantily clad women selling drugs designed to make me more of a man.

(By “more of a man,” I’m not saying the drugs would make me even more likely to leave the toilet seat up or to refuse to ask for directions. I’m saying the pills would enhance my tendency to buy worthless products from scantily clad women.)

Here is an e-mail I retrieved from my spam folder this morning:

“Hello dear dear. My name is Ivanya ... To me of 27 years ... And an essence of my letter that to me very much would will be total desirable to get acquainted with you in direct face fashion. Today I observed your profile so open wide and you have seemed to me very lovely Man of whom that shall be touched.

“(I hope the first impression will not be for me deceptive I very much would wish to learn you as it is possible is better. And in the future we can probably support with you dialogue and to good friends and then ... Who knows?)

“I will be very grateful to you give answer me my message! I long for me if such interesting man can give to me a little the attention. Such desire as you have not known can promise from here to being thrilled.

“About me you can learn from my questionnaire. And letter in there is my photo. I hope that it is pleasant to you also you will not ignore me. You see I am youthful to the best and firmly so. Write to me better on the address of e-mail, and I pursuit with dedication my e-mail every day for hopes you will reside in my box with pleasure.

“If it is children I am strong of will and blood, but without or with previous issue all means the good of the furnished table round for me.

“If at you time will not write me the letter to the first you can leave the address of your e-mail and I with the great pleasure will write you the letter of the first! My choice is of you my candy boy. I will wait with huge hope of your letter! Write ... Do not forget ... Your new friend (I hope for it) Ivanya! Bye Bye!”

OK, clearly this woman is the real deal. I have no idea why she would pick me of all the men in the world, but that’s just further proof that we are destined to be together.

Ivanya’s photo was indeed attached to the e-mail, and let me say, well, I’m no spring chicken either, but the 27-year-old part was probably a fib. I wrote her right back:

Hello dear dear Ivanya,

Your questionnaire was not attached to your lovely e-mail, so I am responding to ask you a couple of questions.

1. Is English your first language?

2. You say, “If it is children I am strong of will and blood, but without or with previous issue all means the good of the furnished table round set for me.” My question is, what does this mean? When I first read it, I thought I must be having some sort of brain attack. I have said the words out loud to myself, very slowly, and still can make no sense of them. In fact, every time I say them I want to bite my own arms.

3. Do you live nearby? Perhaps we could (as you might put it) “most meet of the soon the possible coffee of shop.” I’ll be the one in the black T-shirt, you’ll be the 27-year-old who looks 55 and dresses like a pole dancer. I would love to converse with you in person to see if I can stop laughing.

I assure you, dear dear, that I’m a good prospect, with finances about to improve because a kind gentleman from Nigeria has recently promised to transfer millions of dollars into my bank account. Write back! Bye! Bye!

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