Bruce Cameron - Bruce the Wedding Planner

I have a second cousin who, as a woman in her 20s, is considerably younger than I. Well, not “considerably.” She’s a bit younger. She’s my age.

At any rate, she lives in my area, many miles from her parents, which she insists is due to no intent on her part, though when she graduated from college she submitted resumes everywhere but in her home state. She is planning her wedding, and her father asked me to sit in on his behalf and represent his point of view. I thought it was adorable that he thought the father of the bride was allowed to have a point of view.

Her name is Amelia, and her fiance’s name is “I Can’t Believe She’s Marrying Him.” (That’s what the father told me, anyway.) He also goes by “Gary,” and I see why her father doesn’t think he’s good enough for his daughter: She’s his daughter. No one would be good enough.

The night before I sat down with the two of them, Amelia gave Gary a questionnaire she’d culled from several different bridal magazines, which caught Gary off-guard because he didn’t know there were several different bridal magazines. He promised he would fill out the questionnaire instead of watching the basketball game, which is why he excused himself when we got to the restaurant and hurriedly completed the thing while in the men’s room. (To his credit, he probably wasn’t watching basketball in there.)

Me: OK, the first question is what the theme of the wedding should be, and Amelia has written “Spring Flowers” and Gary has written “Star Wars.”

Gary: I crossed it out, though, so I should get points for that.

Amelia: “Star Wars”? “Star Wars”?

Gary: See, I didn’t understand the question. “Star Wars” was the theme of my prom, and it was pretty romantic.

Amelia: You did not have “Star Wars” as the theme for your prom. That’s ridiculous.

Gary: Well, it was something like that. No, wait! It was Venice. We had these fake canals and everything.

Amelia: OK, I can see how you thought it was “Star Wars.”

Me: I think we’re all saying essentially the same thing, here. The next question is, “What song most perfectly symbolizes this union?”

Gary: I got that one right.

Me: You wrote, “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.”

Amelia: Honey, that’s a song about men dying on a boat.

Gary: But remember when we first met, I told you how that song has always really affected me for some reason? You said I was sensitive because after they played it I threw up.

Amelia: I said I thought you were lactose-intolerant. You had a White Russian and got instantly sick. And you are lactose-intolerant.

Gary: I didn’t know what a White Russian was, I just ordered one because that’s what you were having. I only found out it had milk in it when I barfed.

Me: I think I understand how Gary confused “intolerant” with “sensitive.” Amelia, you picked “I Will Always Love You.” Gary, is that one OK, or will it make you barf?

Gary: I’ll be OK as long as no one else barfs.

Me: I’m not sure we can count on that.

Gary: It’s up to Amelia.

Me: Good compromise! OK, the next question is just “Dinner?” Amelia has a pretty in-depth menu with a vegetarian option, and Gary has written “Yes.”

Gary: I’m technically correct on that one.

Amelia: Gary, I want you to have input. Don’t you care what we have to eat at the wedding?

Gary: Yes, of course I care. Very much. I want what you want. Only, you know, with no dairy.

Me: This one is, “Will there be a wild bachelor party?” Gary has written “Yes.”

Amelia: Oh, really?

Gary: Yeah, but I meant to say “No.”

Amelia: Your brother had strippers at his bachelor party, is that what you want?

Gary: I don’t even want my brother.

Amelia: I don’t expect you not to have a bachelor party, honey.

Gary’s response was the same for the next 20 questions: “I just want what you want, Amelia.”

I decided I’d tell Amelia’s father this guy was good enough for his daughter.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at http://www.creators.com.

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