W. BRUCE CAMERON - My First Dance

I believe that dancing was invented to give men something to dread. Men counterattacked with beer, but then women counter-counterattacked with video cameras, and now every man on the planet knows that out there somewhere is footage of him dancing at a cousin’s wedding, just waiting to be shown at a retirement party or some other embarrassing occasion.

My first dance was in seventh grade, a phase of childhood so torturous I can’t believe it is still legal. At that time, I had a very specific and obsessive crush on every girl my age. I went into the dance hall — aka the school gym — determined n...