W. BRUCE CAMERON - The 5 Dumbest Things I’ve Done

I’ve often said that there’s no sense in dwelling on past mistakes because I’m just going to repeat them anyway. There are a couple, though, I can’t seem to forget — mistakes on the “hey, let’s steer the Titanic over to take a look at that iceberg” level. Here is a countdown of the five dumbest things I’ve done in my life — so far.

No. 5 concerns the very first time I came up with an “invention,” because I am an inventor the way Lehman Brothers is a “success.” My father claimed the coffeepot worked poorly because it was a wedding gift from a TV actor who had dated my mother in their teens. It eventually stopped functioning when Dad’s hammer accidentally fell on it seven times. (In Dad’s defense, he’d read a newspaper profile on how rich and handsome the old boyfriend was, and the hammer just happened to be right there looking for something to whack.)

I was watching my mother add cream to her coffee from the new pot and thought, “Why not put the cream in the water reservoir before turning on the coffeemaker?” So that’s what I did.

Well, there’s a reason you can’t get a hot beverage from a nationwide chain called “Star-Bruce Coffee.” My instant cafe au-lait turned out to be cafe au-bad. Worse, the coffeemaker filled the kitchen with the sour odor of spoiled milk, and the coffee itself tasted, in my dad’s words, “like a dead cow.”

Dumbest Move No. 4 was telling my dad I thought he’d “get used” to the coffee. Luckily, there was no hammer nearby.

No. 3 was asking a girl named Marla for a date. Random selection put me in a chair near her on the first hour of the first day of high school. I came to fall completely in love with Marla, swooning when I saw her, following her around like an imprinted duck. I even wrote her a poem:

Marla, Marla,

In distance you are farla

I’d have to drive a carla

Marla

OK, in my defense, there are not a lot of words that rhyme with “Marla.” By the time I had worked up the nerve to ask her out, Marla had come to regard me with the same affection people view psoriasis. I was this thing that just wouldn’t go away.

Marla turned me down with such loathing it shattered my heart. I’m not sure I ever asked a girl out again without first making sure she liked me, which significantly narrowed my possibilities, let me tell you.

Marla, Marla

Big mistake-arla

Said no with a snarla

Marla

No. 2 was electing to be an English major in college instead of anything of actual practical use.

Lehman Brothers Chairman: We’ve got to do something or we’ll go bankrupt and pull down the world economy!

Me: Fortunately, I’ve written this essay about the themes of life and death in “Moby Dick.”

Lehman Brothers Chairman: We’re saved!

But by far my dumbest mistake was No. 1: Quitting the corporate job I’d had for 10 years to invest all my money in an “IVR” company.

IVR stands for Interactive Voice Response, the telephone menu tree you get when you dial a company, like this:

“You’ve reached Lehman Brothers. If you’re wondering where all your money went, press 1. If you’re wondering whether you’ll be able to retire, press 2. If you’re wondering whether you’ll be able to eat, press 3. Otherwise, please stay on the line, and we’ll answer your call as soon as we’ve received our indictments.”

I thought that all goods and services in the world eventually would be ordered via IVR and that I’d grow rich on my wonderful “invention.” I failed to consider only one thing: People hate IVR! I had a better shot at marrying Marla then I did at convincing a single customer they were better off with IVR than a person.

So when this guy I know wanted me to get in on the ground floor with some company named after a river in South America that would sell books on the Internet, I said “No way!”

I learn from my mistakes.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com

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