W. BRUCE CAMERON - Tom the Caveman

My neighbor Tom is going on the “caveman diet,” which he believes will improve his athletic performance if he ever does anything athletic.

“See, we’re surrounded by all these chemicals and processed foods,” Tom told me, so excited he momentarily stopped coating his hotdog with aerosol cheese. “But on the caveman diet, you go back to eating the way we did when there were dinosaurs roaming the land.”

“I think if we had been around when dinosaurs roamed the land, they would be eating us,” I responded.

“So, like, meat — cavemen ate meat,” he told me, gesturing with his hotdog. “Now, though, we eat...