W. Bruce Cameron - Puppy vs. Baby

I am beginning to think that there are some key differences between a puppy and a baby.

I don’t have a baby at the moment, which I think everyone can agree is a good thing, including the baby. I do, however, have a new puppy named Tucker, which is a very good thing except for when it isn’t. At any rate, I’m in a perfect position to offer observations on the differences between babies and puppies — I suggest you save this article and refer to it whenever you find yourself forgetting which is which.

With a puppy, people very often come up to me and ask me, “What kind of dog is that?” However, with a baby, no one ever asked me, “What kind of baby is that?” People often speculate about Tucker, saying he looks like a cross between a golden retriever and a spaniel of some kind. I never had anyone say: “Your baby looks like a Scottish-German combination of some kind. Do you have any idea what the father is?”

I never had a baby chew my high school yearbook to pieces, but this is practically the first thing Tucker did when I brought him home — I think he was driven to it by the hairstyles of the ‘70s. A high school yearbook is, of course, easily replaceable, especially the signatures in the back. So if you come home and your high school yearbook is all chewed up, don’t blame the baby — this is strictly a puppy activity.

Babies don’t stick their heads out the car window when you drive, their ears flapping in the wind. If your baby ever does do this, you’ll probably be disqualified from winning any parenting awards, though I do admit it would make for an interesting video. In fact, babies don’t really do much of anything at first — they eat and, except at night, sleep.

About the most exciting thing a baby can do is burp — I’ve spent hours of my life holding a baby on my shoulder and patting its back, trying to loosen up a burp. Burping was probably invented to give the father something positive to do, since our chests are not equipped to allow us to do much else.

We can change diapers, of course, but I’m not counting that as “positive.”

Puppies don’t use diapers — for that sort of thing, they use the carpet. A baby probably would do the same thing, I guess, if it were crawling on the rug and wasn’t wearing a diaper. I’m confident that somewhere, somebody has had a baby who wet the carpet, though I’m pretty sure they didn’t shout “no” and toss the baby in the backyard.

For puppies, it is considered a major victory if they pee in the backyard; for children, not so much. I will say, though, that a baby diaper beats a puppy plastic bag any day, due to the collection method.

Puppies are often made to do tricks for their food, like “sit.” For some reason, nobody tries to get the baby to do anything to earn its baby food — it’s considered a big trick if the baby doesn’t spit the stuff back at his parents’ faces.

Oh, you could try to give a baby commands — try telling one to “come!” and see what happens. Tucker, on the other hand, learned pretty quickly what “no” and “stay” and “down” mean — he just doesn’t like them. So, from a behavior standpoint, babies and puppies are pretty much equal when it comes to doing what they’re told, but at least Tucker knows he’s disobeying.

As to which is cuter, a puppy or a baby, I’m going to say that probably depends less on the particular puppy and more on the baby. I’ve seen pictures of me as an infant and consider myself lucky that nobody ever offered my parents the opportunity to trade me for a beagle.

I wouldn’t have traded my babies, of course, because that would have been illegal, and anyway I was looking forward to having them grow up and stick me with tuition payments. But, as I say, I’m not having any more babies.

I’m barely able to handle a puppy.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at http://www.creators.com.

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