Pastor's corner - Hand Bags and Boxes

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone;

I will make him a helper suitable for him.’ - Genesis 2:18

When the Lord created the man from the dust and fashioned the woman, from Adam’s rib, it was His intention that they complement each other, love each other, and meet each other’s needs. The male soul was put into the male body and the female soul was put into the female body. What determined their gender was their souls. Their souls were not created exactly alike. The differences are illustrated as hand bags and boxes. Women have a handbag view of life and men have a box view of life.

The female soul sees the world as a whole and all the issues of life are contained in her handbag. Everything in her handbag has a place and if something is out of place then it affects everything else. For example, if her husband comes home from work and insults the meal she has provided then her handbag is disorganized. She is in turmoil and it must be fixed before she can feel right. She feels unappreciated and she internalizes her pain so her response to him will be limited. The man, on the other hand, has moved on but will soon realize that there is a problem when she gives him the cold shoulder.

Men tend to compartmentalize things in boxes: work, hobbies, sports, meals, marriage and family life.

Each box is his whole world.

The man passes through a corridor each day, dealing with boxes (items) one at a time.

When he is done, he closes the door and moves on to another box.

This is why he cannot remember details she wants him to remember.

When he comes home from work he closes the work box and opens the hobbies box or “what’s for supper” box and forgets about work.

When he insults the meal she has prepared he soon forgets about it, watches some television and then thinks that the wife will be responsive when they go to bed.

He soon finds out that she is still smoldering from the insult that occurred hours earlier.

By God’s creation, she is a helper, a responder, a teacher, counselor, and supporter. Because of this she is more interested in marriage success and finds fulfillment and extension of herself in her marriage, the children and the home. She tends to be more emotional and responsive, internalizes her feelings, shows great insights, is intuitive, personal, and intensive.

She is people oriented, has great verbal skills, and is more social than the man. Because of her responsive soul makeup she loses identity easier, needs reassurance ( security) gives of herself (gifts) and is highly sensitive to criticism. A negative statement from her man can disorganize her life (handbag) and cause her to become upset with everything in her life. Therefore, her man needs to understand that she needs to be protected, cherished, loved, appreciated, and listened to (even to little details ). She needs much affection, approval and recognition to keep the romance alive. Biblical wisdom says to the husband, “ love your own wife as yourself…” Ephesians 5:33.

She wants a husband who is concerned about the family, who is a handyman, a lover, and a protective father.

She is often exasperated by the husband’s lack of interest and leadership in the home, his poor listening skills (details), his lack of understanding of her emotional makeup, and his lack of special remembrances ( birthdays, etc.).

Men need to accept the woman’s intuitive side and when they do she will feel more loved.

She will go with intuition 99% of the time and most of that time she is right because she has carefully thought it over.

She has made a decision based on intelligence, what is right and wrong, and what is best for her husband and family.

Biblical wisdom says to the wife that she “ must see to it that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:33

The man by creation is a doer, achiever, conqueror, and the aggressor.

His fulfillment and extension of self are found in his vocation and activities not in the home.

It is difficult for him to shift gears when he gets home.

He needs time to move from the “work box” to the “at home box”.

The man is more logical, externalizes his feelings, and is thing-oriented (business and industry).

He has abstract ability; is less of a listener, is more task-oriented and takes chances.

He tends to be more self-sufficient; has male interests, pursuits and hobbies.

He has a fear of inadequacy or failure; needs his self-image reinforced to feel competent, worthwhile, believed in, encouraged and listened to.

The man needs a wife who can seduce and be seduced and is attractive to him in order to keep the romance alive. If the wife is whining, into self-pity, and complaining (a woman’s effort to gain attention) then she only drives him out ( he leaves and pursues other activities), or drives him inward to the cold castle of silence. He seeks an all-forgiving, ever-loving, understanding wife who is also a sounding board and ego-builder. Husbands are exasperated by the wife’s tendency to control (dominate) him, her lack of emotional control, attacks (direct, verbal or indirect, clinging), and her tendency to live in a fantasy, storybook world.

Understanding these God given differences can help us have healthier, more successful marriages.

He cannot be like her nor can she be like him.

We can make or break our marriages.

I think author, Zig Ziglar said it well in his book, “Courtship After Marriage” It is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right kind of person.

“If you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all.

On the other hand, if you marry the right person and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person.” Remember that most marriages do not end in blow-outs, but rather slow leaks over time, one or the other just gives up.

Chaplain Ron McMurray,

Whitman County Chaplain