W. Bruce Cameron - The day I was floored

I was recently stuck on an elevator — an event made no less dramatic by the fact that the doors were open. OK, maybe a little less dramatic.

I was by myself on the elevator, having just been to the dentist to have my teeth and my wallet scraped clean. It was descending smoothly, when all of a sudden it stopped dead with a loud, slamming jolt similar to what it felt like when I saw the bill for the dentist. There was a grinding noise, and then the doors eased open between floors, though there was about 2 feet of space at the top where I could crawl through if I decided I wanted to be cut in half when the elevator got going again.

I opened the little door on the panel, picked up the phone and was gratified when someone answered.

“Security,” he said.

“Hi. Uh, I’m on the elevator.”

“I know.”

“What? Oh, you mean you can see me?” I peered around for a camera.

“What? No, who do you think I am, Santa Claus? I can’t see you. You called on the elevator phone. There’s a little light on my switchboard that says ‘elevator.’ I can see it.”

“Oh, right.”

“Sir, I must ask you to hang up the telephone immediately. It’s to be used only in case of emergency.”

“Wait! This is an emergency. The elevator is stuck between floors.”

There was a pause. “I’m not sure that qualifies as an actual emergency.”

“What?”

“Well, it’s not like you are being attacked by vampires or something.”

“So, wait, they put a phone in the elevator for vampires? It’s a vampire phone?”

“It is not a vampire phone,” he responded testily. “I was just using that as an example. My daughter reads these books where the kids in high school are all vampires. She drives me crazy. I was just thinking about that when you called.”

“Oh. So you weren’t seriously suggesting that the reason they put a phone in the elevator was so people would call you if there were vampires.”

“Of course not. It’s for what I said, emergency use only.”

“I think, though, if you were an elevator company, you might consider a stuck elevator to be an elevator emergency.”

We compromised: I would concede there were far more urgent situations than being stuck on an elevator, and he would look up what to do in his emergency operations manual.

“OK, first, don’t panic.”

“I’m not panicking,” I responded.

“Me neither. OK, second, relax.”

“I’m relaxed.”

“Me, too. Third, calm down.”

“OK, that’s the same as don’t panic and relax! When are you going to work on getting me out of here?”

“You don’t sound calm to me.”

“I’m calm! What’s next?”

“OK. I’m to ask you to describe the nature of the emergency.”

“OK.”

“So ... what is the risk to life and/or property?”

“You mean you want me to tell you again?”

“I’m just doing what it says here, buddy.”

“The elevator is stuck between floors! I’m trapped! I could starve to death in here!”

“So would you say the risk to life and/or property is mainly from starvation?”

“No! I mean, eventually, maybe, but not immediately.”

“Then it’s not an actual emergency, is it?”

“I thought we compromised on that one already.”

“Yeah, but now I need to write this down in the log, and I can’t write that you’re hungry. I’ll look like an idiot.”

“I’m not hungry. I never said I was hungry.”

“You said starving.”

“I said I was trapped! The elevator is stuck. The doors are open. It’s not moving.”

“You mean to tell me the doors are open?”

“Yes, but between floors!”

“Did you try pushing the ‘door close’ button?”

“That won’t work; the elevator is broken.”

“Try it.”

“It won’t work!” I shouted, exasperated. I punched the door close button in frustration, and the doors immediately sighed shut. With a jolt, the elevator began descending again, and within a minute I was in the parking garage.

I thought about using the phone to tell the security guy that the button worked, but I decided against it.

After all, the phone was for emergency use only.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. COPYRIGHT 2011 CREATORS.COM