From the Mailbox

W. BRUCE CAMERON

In an era where e-mail is synonymous with unsolicited offers for goods and services of no actual value, it’s nice to know you can still go to your physical mailbox for the same thing.

I have a collection of advertisements I’ve received through the mail that puzzle me, such as the one offering me “Free, pre-paid cremation services,” but “the offer ends soon!”

Let me parse this one. Am I the only person who sees a contradiction between the words “free” and “pre-paid?” And what’s the message in “offer ends soon?” Are they saying, in essence, “hurry up and die”?

Bottom line is that I don’t want cremation services, and by the time I need them, I will be incapable of wanting anything. But at least they’re free. As long as I pre-pay.

Another mailing warns me that “plant protein can kill you” and that “the more you eat, the sooner you will die.” These are pretty dire pronouncements (though luckily if I do die I can get free cremation). I immediately take this to mean that I should stop eating vegetables and head to the drive-thru for a bag of burgers and cheesecake on a stick.

Unfortunately, what the flier is saying is neither that simple nor that glorious. Apparently, most bread has gluten in it, and by reading some of the Wikipedia entry about gluten, I’ve decided I don’t want to understand what this means.

The flier suggests I should only eat sourdough bread from this one company, but the stuff is really expensive and there’s no pre-payment option to get some for free. A lot of people can’t eat gluten, including a good friend of mine who doesn’t eat this sourdough bread either, so apparently the “my bread or die” thing is a little overwrought.

I actually responded to one item in my mailbox: an offer to purchase HD sunglasses. “Imagine,” the flier said, “seeing everything in High Definition. Well now you can, with these special sunglasses made with New Technology.”

This was pretty exciting to me. When I look at the world, it’s not in High Definition — it’s just in, well, Definition. Wearing a pair of these glasses would mean everything would be sharper and clearer, right? Makes perfect sense. I called the 800 number.

“I can’t wait to get a pair of these sunglasses so everything will be in High Definition,” I told the operator. “My only question is, do you have a version of HD glasses that are also in 3D?”

There was a long pause. “It doesn’t look like they are available in 3D,” she finally replied. “I have them in Stylin’ Black and Ultra Stylin’ Brown. Those are the only two options.”

“So, if I wear these glasses, everything will be sharper and clearer, but it won’t be in 3D?”

“Yes, sir. You’ll be able to see in HD, but I don’t see anything here about 3D.”

“That’s sort of like watching a ‘Flintstones’ cartoon in HD. It would be clear, but flat. I am not sure I’d want to drive a car like that.”

“These are specially designed for you to wear them driving a car.”

“Hmmm ... Well, let me eat a sourdough sandwich, and I’ll call you back,” I told her.

As long as I am stylin’, I should take advantage of an offer for a free pair of men’s adult protective undergarments, which, according to the mailer, have an “attractive design.” I could put them on and walk down the street, and everyone would be impressed with me.

“Look at Bruce in his attractive protective underpants and his Ultra Stylin’ HD sunglasses!” they’d exclaim enviously. Then they’d run over to help me because I’d walk into a light pole because I’d see it very clearly but would lack the depth perception to avoid it.

“Cremate me now,” I’d say, handing them my card for the free cremation that I pre-paid for. “Between the light pole and the plant protein, I’m a goner anyway.”

“Nice underwear,” they’d reply.

They probably wouldn’t cremate me on the spot, so I’d fumble my way home in my non-3D sunglasses, eventually making my way to my mailbox. Who knows what other exciting offers might await me there?

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at http://www.creators.com.

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