A Chat With My Algorithm

A Chat With My Algorithm

I pay an online company $ 9.99 a month to send me DVDs that I then lose and have to shell out 14 bucks to replace. It would probably be less expensive if I just shot the movies myself. I lose the discs because I set them aside to watch during my “free time,” and then they get buried in the piles of mail I’m supposed to be handling during my “work time.”

Part of the service is a recommendations algorithm (RA) that assesses what movies I’ve enjoyed losing in the past and suggests movies for me to lose in the future. Just once I’d like to talk to my RA to discuss some of the movies it thinks I’d want to watch.

RA: Here’s one you’d like, it’s a documentary on the birth of slimy sea slugs.

Me: What? Why would I like that?

RA: Who doesn’t like slimy sea slugs? Besides, you enjoyed that one documentary on the Civil War. This is the same thing, only instead of battles, you’ve got this huge worm giving birth to baby worms.

Me: What else have you got?

RA: Well, here’s your favorite kind of thriller, written by your favorite screenwriter, starring your favorite actors. Want it?

Me: Yes! Thank you!

RA: Long wait.

Me: What does long wait mean?

RA: Well ... how long do you think you’re going to live?

Me: I hope at least another 30 years, probably longer. Why?

RA: Better pick another movie.

Me: Well, put it in my queue, maybe I’ll get lucky.

RA: It’s nice to dream. Here’s one where the man and woman should be together, but something keeps them apart, until in the very end of the movie something happens and then they get together.

Me: Sounds like a romantic comedy. Which one is it?

RA: All of them.

Me: What about that one that won the Oscar for best picture?

RA: Don’t you think that one is a little over your head?

Me: I’ll take that one.

RA: Very long wait.

Me: What’s the difference between long wait and very long wait?

RA: Well, you know how scientists say eventually the sun will become a red giant and swell up and envelop all the planets in its fire? The DVD will be available sometime after that.

Me: You’re kidding, the sun’s going to swell up?

RA: You’d know that stuff if you’d watch some of the documentaries I’ve been recommending.

Me: I had no idea.

RA: Better get some lotion with a high SPF.

Me: Maybe I should watch the swelling-sun documentary. I was going to go to the beach this weekend.

RA: Beach? I didn’t know you liked the beach. That changes everything. Let me reorder your recommendations. Calculating ... OK, got it!

Me: I’m ready!

RA: Sea slugs.

Me: What?

RA: You like the beach, you’re going to love these cute sea slugs. They’re cuddly.

Me: Stop.

RA: They can be taught tricks, too. Like “lie down.” And “stay.”

Me: I’m not doing sea slugs. What about one where a newspaper columnist is the hero?

RA: We’re out of fantasy.

Me: I really would like to get a DVD sent to me to lose for the weekend.

RA: Here’s one that’s got a helicopter crash, a motorcycle chase, an exploding boat and a machine gun battle climax.

Me: What’s the plot?

RA: Plot? We’re blowing up all this machinery, and you want plot? I suppose you also want character.

Me: Sure.

RA: You are so out of step with today’s movies.

Me: I just want a film where interesting characters are caught up in an intriguing, surprising plot, with an upbeat ending.

RA: You’re a funny guy, you know that? How about one of the Spiderman sequels? We have lots of those.

Me: I guess I’m pretty burned out on comic book movies.

RA: Man, are you in for a long summer.

Me: How about a comedy?

RA: We have lots of comedies that are produced by major studios.

Me: Are they funny?

RA: I said they are produced by major studios.

Me: Well, what do you have?

RA: How do you feel about sea slugs?

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at http://www.creators.com.

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