Without a Dog

Dec 01, 20110

W. Bruce Cameron

As part of his ongoing home-improvement project, my dog recently chewed the little tassels off the throw pillows on the couch. He was just ripping up the last one when I walked into the living room, and he was so proud to show off his industriousness that he took the pillow and shook it like a rat. “See?” his expression seemed to be saying. “Where would you be without me?”

Without a dog, I would have tassels on my throw pillows instead of little stubs of yarn that look like small worms. The pillows seem to function just fine without the tassels, so perhaps it isn’t a problem. Though they are called throw pillows, I never actually throw them, but I’m sure if I did my dog would approve. Maybe without tassels, they’ll go farther when I throw them.

The question is an interesting one to contemplate, though. Have you ever asked yourself where you would be without a dog?

Without a dog, any time you accidentally dropped a piece of food on the floor, you’d have to bend over to pick it up.

Without a dog, squirrels won’t have any reason to come into your yard to taunt.

Without a dog, you’d never have anyone in your life who thinks you invented bacon.

Without a dog, a lot of people will know you by your name instead of knowing you as your dog’s parent.

Without a dog, you’d have to hump the neighbor’s leg yourself.

Without a dog, you’d never have anyone demonstrate how important it is to stop every day and smell the roses ... and then lift your leg on them.

Without a dog, no one will listen to your opinions for more than a few minutes without interrupting to tell you their opinions, which you won’t find nearly as interesting. A dog, on the other hand, thinks everything you have to say is absolutely brilliant and fascinating, especially if you’re holding a piece of food while you’re talking.

Try this with your spouse, and you’ll see what I mean — a wife will give you maybe 5 minutes, tops, and it doesn’t seem to matter whether you’re waving a piece of chicken in front of her nose. There’s also an inverse relationship between the number of years you’ve been married and the number of minutes she’ll listen to your big, fat opinions. A dog, though, will always pay attention (unless you drop that chicken).

Without a dog, you might eventually forget what road kill smells like.

Without a dog, there’s no one in the house who thinks driving with you to the store is one of the most fun things in the world. No one who is excited to the point of ecstasy to see you come back to the car with your bag of groceries. No one who thinks the drive back home with you is every bit as fun. In short, no one who can turn every mundane thing you do into a joyous occasion.

Without a dog, you’ll be without at least one creature who thinks you are the smartest, most decent and heroic human being on the planet.

Without a dog, you might never know the joy of owning custom-chewed shoes.

Without a dog, some of your tennis balls might get really dry.

Without a dog, no one will think you are the most amazing cook in the world just because you can open a can.

Without a dog, you’d have to figure out what to do with your spare income. (With a dog, your vet figures out what to do with your spare income.)

Without a dog, you’ll probably not take walks every day, and you’ll probably never carry little bags for dog poo, either. Studies show that just adding those dog walks to your schedule can help you lose weight, live longer and battle stress (though no one has ever claimed that picking up dog poo does any of these things). Having a dog in your life lowers blood pressure and wards off depression. In short, without a dog you won’t live as long or as happily.

So why would you want to be without a dog?

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at http://www.creators.com.

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