W. Bruce Cameron: My Retrospective on 2011

It’s a good time to look back on 2011 — much better than it would have been last January, anyway.

2011 was remarkable because it was the first year in the last decade where Britney Spears was not one of the top 10 searches on Yahoo. She fell to 13th, which probably is why California radio preacher Harold Camping predicted the world would end on May 21st. If people have so much ennui they can’t be bothered to check in to see who Britney is marrying, surely it is a sign of the end of times.

Actually, the world almost did end on May 21st, but at the last moment, the legislature was unable to reconcile the two bills that were passed — the House of Representatives approved a measure called “The World is Ending because of Barak Obama” and the Senate passed a competing bill called “The World is Ending because of the Republicans.” Both bills failed, leading the American public to conclude that the country would be better off if Congress were run by dead goldfish.

Desperate to improve the situation, Congressman Anthony Weiner flooded social media with pictures of himself in his underpants.

It didn’t work.

In 2011, Kim Kardashian married the love of her life and spent 72 blissful days with him before filing for divorce, beating expectations. (“Kim Kardashian” was the No. 1 personality search term in 2011, according to Google. Weiner should have sent pictures of her in his underpants; at least people would have appreciated those.)

Just because Kim Kardashian is listed in the personality category, doesn’t mean she has a good one.

In Los Angeles, residents experienced Carmageddon, when construction on a single bridge shut down a single highway on the west side of town. Concerts were held to raise funds for the victims, food was donated by local farmers and Anthony Weiner sent pictures of his underpants. People actually stayed home to view the “event” on television. For several hours, they sat and watched a live feed of an interstate with no traffic on it. (These are the same people who come up with ideas for reality TV shows.)

In September, scientists working out of the European Organization for Nuclear Research announced that they’ve observed neutrinos, which are particles that move faster than the speed of light. (Except in Los Angeles, where they would be held up in traffic.) This means that when a neutrino takes a trip, it arrives at its destination before it starts, which doesn’t impress Kim Kardashian, whose marriage was over before it began.

Neutrinos may not have any real practical use of any kind, which is why several of them have announced they are running for congress. (Neutrinos are so fast they’ll be able to send pictures of their underpants before they’re even elected.) What does have practical use, though, is the Kepler telescope, which has begun identifying Earth-like planets in other solar systems. Harold Camping hasn’t yet announced when those worlds will end, but careful scrutiny of the other planets reveals that we can’t see anything happening. (Just like Carmageddon.)

In 2011, millions of Americans purchased or were given e-readers, which are devices that enable you to read a book that your neighbor wrote about her cats. More people are e-publishing their e-books than ever before, absolutely flooding the market, so how you would find, say, “A Dog’s Purpose” (my personal recommendation, though the cat book sounds good, too) is anybody’s guess. Probably the thing to do would be to go to a bookstore, find the book you want to read and then download it, depriving the bookstore of any revenue. Next time you want a new book, you can do the same thing. The bookstores will be happy to stay open to accommodate you.

And 2011 will see the last full year of something that started in 1995: this column. After 668 straight weeks of using my internal Kepler telescope to try to spot something Earth-like to write about, it’s going the way of Kim Kardashian’s marriage. Next week will be my last column, just as Harold Camping predicted. I hope you’ll do me the honor of checking in with me that one final time.