When I'm Rich

Jan 19, 20120

W. Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2006.

You’re probably a lot like me: You would like to see me become fabulously wealthy. You’re also pretty sure you’d like to see this happen right away — this afternoon would not be too soon.

As you fantasize about my wealth, you probably think about all the wonderful ways in which I will use that money to improve me. Picture Bill Gates, who made billions crashing people’s computers and who is now dedicated to using his vast financial resources to the betterment of man — that’s what I will do, and I will be the man getting the betterment.

The first thing I will do with all that money is hire someone to be full-time technical support for my mother. Now, I admire my mom for having the guts, at age 70, to buy a computer and go on-line to look up reasons why my father should be institutionalized.

I just don’t know why it’s always me — the writer — my mother telephones when her PC is “passing error messages,” rather than my sister, who as a doctor is more technical and not doing anything all day.

It makes me a little crazy when Mom calls me and we have a conversation like this:

Mom: Are you busy?

Me: Well yes, actually, I’m just working on a Nobel prize-winning column about how my nose itches.

Mom: Because my computer is acting very strangely.

Me: What’s it doing?

Mom: I don’t know.

At this point, my well-paid (he would have to be) technical support person will step in and say, “Why don’t I fix your computer and then listen to you complain about how your husband just sits in his chair and watches sports all day?” (The accusation is not without merit — my father has recently become addicted to a channel that shows repeats of old football games, and even though he knows the outcomes, he still yells at the TV, moaning and groaning when his teams lose again. It’s his brain’s way of passing error messages.)

Next, I will use my vast wealth to buy up all the commercial spots for the TV reality shows, and every time there is a break you’ll see me say, “You’re watching talentless people do really stupid things; what does that make you?”

Or maybe I’ll have Paris Hilton come on and explain, step by step, how she managed to write a whole book without ever having read one.

After that, I will pay some scientists to come over to my house to watch and measure everything I eat, and then publish a finding that my diet is exactly what a person should consume to remain healthy, and then send copies of this finding to my sister the doctor, along with a letter from the president of doctors telling her the issue is closed.

I’ll also have General Motors take a break from laying off its entire workforce and build me a special automobile with a hidden compartment in the front. Whenever someone cuts in front of me without using a signal, I’ll push a button and the compartment will open and a motorcycle cop will drive out and arrest the person. On the cop’s day off, I’ll settle for a torpedo.

I will buy all the airlines and tell the executives that their annual bonuses will be delivered to them at the LAX baggage carousel and that all they have to do is stand there and wait for it. And wait for it. And wait for it.

You know all those actors who assume that as celebrities they know more than the rest of us about everything, so they go on television and pontificate about social issues? I will pay for them to attend lectures on performing that will be delivered by idiots who don’t know the slightest thing about acting, such as Ben Affleck.

Homework will be a chapter from Paris Hilton’s book.

I realize that Bill Gates is spending his money on addressing really important problems, except his hair, but I think you can see that the best thing to do is just transfer his entire fortune to me immediately.

It’s not like he’ll be out of a job — I’ll hire him to provide technical support to my mom.

SYNDICATE INC.