Bruce Cameron

The Bruce Diet

W. Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2007.

Recently, I was in the bookstore looking at diet books, thinking maybe it was time that I read one instead of going on a diet. I was astounded by the sheer number and variety of the things, and became energized by the promises of quick, painless weight loss because it gave me confidence that if I just worked at it, I could write my own diet book!

A lot of the weight-loss plans seemed to include language like this: “The Low-Lard Diet, when combined with good nutrition and exercise, can result in significant weight reduction, plus we’ll have sold another Low-Lard Diet book!” A woman on the cover of the Low-Lard Diet Book sucks in her stomach and stretches the waistband of her trousers three feet in front of her, smiling as if to say, “See how skinny I look in these clown pants?”

I’m going to scientifically guess that just about any diet combined with “good nutrition and exercise” would help you lose weight, which is why I am qualified to write a fad diet book that will include the following plans:

The Marine Diet: This diet is guaranteed to reduce flab. For breakfast, eat some kind of marine life — crab omelets, lox and bagels, goldfish crackers. Then, for lunch, join the Marines. Within six weeks you’ll be in amazing shape and able to shoot an automatic rifle.

The Toddler Diet: Have three children under the age of six, and eat whatever you want every single day. You may not lose weight, but that won’t matter because your hair won’t be washed and your shirt will be covered in baby spit.

The Internet Diet: Sit at the computer, and read any e-mail that offers you cut-rate prices on male “enhancement” drugs, a million dollars from Bill Gates-Oprah-Spiderman or an extraordinary business opportunity from the minister of information of Nigeria that looks pretty realistic except that he can’t spell “minister” or “information.” Or “Nigeria.” Respond to every offer.

You will find that after a few days of this you will come to despise everything about the human race, including what it eats.

The Teenage-Son Exercise Plan: Give your teenage son the keys to your car for the weekend. Starting Monday, you’ll be walking to work.

The Teenage Daughter Exercise Plan: When a boy comes to take your teenage daughter on a date, make sure you study his visible tattoos and quiz him on his plans for the future, of which he won’t have any. Remind your daughter that curfew is 11:00, and at 10:55, take up position at the front window. Starting at 11:01, you’ll find yourself pacing back and forth. If your daughter is like mine, by the time her date pulls into the driveway (tires squealing), you will have worn the carpet down to a trench.

The Denial Diet: Your brain is in charge of your body, so eat a cinnamon roll and tell your stomach it’s a carrot. Get up in the morning, look at the large pizza box in the trash, and say, “Wow, I sure must have been hungry to have made that midnight call for the broccoli delivery boy!” Sit down with a bowl of popcorn, watch a golf match on television, and tell yourself you watched the Boston Marathon, instead. It’s called “Positive Thinking,” as in, “I’m Positive I’m Losing Weight So Obviously My Pants Are Shrinking!”

The Beans and Cabbage Diet: Beans and cabbage can both cause what my grandmother always referred to as “Bottom Burps,” though in this case the resulting flatulence is less like a burp and more like the Hindenburg disaster. Within 24 hours of starting this diet, you won’t be able to tolerate enclosed spaces — you can’t eat because you can’t stand to be in the kitchen with yourself.

I know what you’re thinking: “Bruce, you’ve given us these very excellent diets absolutely free — why should we buy your book for only $19.95?” Simple: While I’ve spelled out some weight-loss plans that are highly effective (when combined with exercise and diet), only the book will give you the most essential element: a picture of me dressed in clown pants.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at . To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at .

COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.