Bruce Cameron

W. Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2007.

Most women I know like to go to spas, where they are pampered and catered to. Men, on the other hand, think it’s silly to spend all that money on something that should be provided free by their wives. In fact, most men I know would be baffled to hear that women can achieve a state of ecstasy by having seaweed rubbed in their faces. To give a male joy, the only thing he wants in his face is beer, beef and baseball.

Now, if you’re like most people, you’re thinking, “Bruce, here is yet another way in which you could end all misunderstanding between the sexes, which you have done so many times before, which is why there is now so little disagreement in the world between different peoples.” By recklessly embarking on a (potentially life-threatening) undercover mission to discover what these spas are all about, I could reveal their secrets in this column for men to read, no matter how shocking.

To date, I’ve visited several of these so-called “dens of pleasure,” enduring their supposed luxuries and treats in the name of tough journalism. And my mission isn’t yet over - I’m afraid I may have to go back again and again, sacrificing myself so that others won’t have to suffer. But I have a preliminary report on the many types of spas that men should avoid.

Banya: In a banya, clients are sweated and then slapped with oak leaves and branches. The banya was invented in Russia as a way of stimulating the release of toxins and classified information.

Ayurveda: In an Ayurveda spa, a healer is brought in to detect imbalances in minds, bodies and spirits (though in my experience, imbalances in mind and body are caused by too much spirits). The healer then prescribes an intensive treatment consisting of spa payments.

Qi Gong: Qi Gong is a type of stress-reducing breathing that was invented by the Chinese, who cleverly deduced that not breathing can be very stressful.

Craniosacral Therapy: The head is gripped and moved from side to side to release emotions and spinal fluid.

Hasya: This is where a room full of people laugh and laugh for no reason, sort of like an evening with Carrot Top.

With Hasya, you’re breathing even harder than in Qi Gong, so tension is released. And if you Hasya long enough, you get a free psychiatric evaluation.

Onsen: An ancient Japanese therapy that involves taking a hot tub in absolute silence with a bunch of naked strangers. It’s good that it’s silent, because it might not be so relaxing if, upon viewing your nude body, everyone broke out into Hasya.

Reflexology: Practitioners of reflexology believe that parts of the feet relate to certain internal organs. Poke the big toe with a needle, for example, and the pain is felt by the “brain.”

Vinotherapy: Wine grapes are rubbed into people’s bodies and mouths. This spa treatment was invented in (where else?) a vineyard in France, and its practitioners can be identified by their relaxed attitudes, purple skin and DUI convictions. Vinotherapy is now a staple at many world-class resorts and fraternity houses.

Medical Spa: The idea here is that a visit to the doctor’s office would be a lot more fun if, after his examination, the nurse came in and gave you a body rub. This concept first surfaced in Europe as the plot of adult films. In America, the medical spa can involve a rigorous blood test that can be used to determine whether you’ve been exposed to too much vinotherapy. The treatments can be very expensive, especially including tips, but Congress is studying ways to cover the cost under health insurance for congressmen.

Speaking of expenses, there are some people working in the accounting department who could use a little vinotherapy, if you get my drift. Clearly opposed to good journalism, they have refused my requests for reimbursement for spa treatments, which is hypocritical because I know another writer who was covered for every single dime he spent on his trip to Afghanistan.

I’ve asked my editor to intercede on my behalf, but she told me not to hold my Qi Gong.

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