Bruce Cameron

Age Old Problems

W. Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2007.

Let me state for the record that I do not lie about my age — my age lies about me.

My age has been saying that I’m too old to stay up until 3:00 a.m. at a Talking Heads concert, which is clearly not true. (Is Talking Heads still a group? Never mind!) My age says my knees can no longer handle a bumpy ski run, which isn’t true, either. My knees are fine — I’ve just come to believe that there are more fun things than skiing ... like, surviving.

My age even lies to other people, telling the cashier at the grocery store that I don’t need to show ID to buy beer. We card everyone under 35, the sign reads — another lie! I know what I looked like when I was under 35 — just like I do now, only less developed. For all they know, they’re selling alcohol to a minor.

“You probably want to check my ID,” I say to the clerk.

“Nah,” she says dismissively.

“Seriously?” I point to the sign. “It says everyone under 35.”

She waves a hand. “No problem.”

Oh, but it is a problem. I’m not ready to be my age — I’m not old enough!

The solution, then, is not to lie about my age to criminally negligent clerks, but rather to tell a truth that feels more accurate than what is implied by my date of birth. Sometimes this is easy — you can plug any age you want into the Stairmaster, for example, and it will accept it. (Though if you quit after only 10 minutes, it will ask: “Are you sure you want to quit? I thought you were 23 years old!” So you type in, “I have to stop, I’m going to a late-night Talking Heads concert.” And the Stairmaster says: “Talking Heads! They broke up in the ‘90s! Hey, wait a minute, how old are you really?”

Sometimes, though, your Truth-in-Age program will be met with stiff resistance by people who have no business being involved in your life, like relatives. My sister, for example, was unenthusiastic when she heard I’d adjusted my stated age downward for better accuracy, especially as her own age didn’t change, as well.

“You always wanted to be the oldest child, so here’s your chance,” I told her.

“A person would have to be an idiot to believe you’re 35,” she responded.

“They do believe it! The other day, I was almost carded at the store buying beer for a rock concert, and the clerk was a very intelligent woman!”

“Almost?” she challenged.

“The subject came up. We discussed it at length.”

There are other problems with recalibrating your age besides my now older sister. Remember back in grade school when you claimed the invention of pocket calculators made learning arithmetic unnecessary? (Maybe you’re too old, but for young people like me this is a very plausible memory.) Well, dialing back your age to a more realistic number means that when someone at a party asks you when you graduated from high school, you prove that you were right, because the only way you can answer the question is with a calculator. “1912!” you finally announce triumphantly. “Wait, that can’t be right.”

And high school itself is a problem, because everyone with whom you graduated knows how old you are. “It was so hard for me,” you’ll be forced to tell your high school buddy at your 20th reunion, “going to high school when I was only 11.”

“You were only 11?” he’ll respond, astounded. “Me, too!”

“Wait, did I say 11? I meant 9,” you’ll say, working your calculator.

“Can I borrow that calculator?” he’ll ask. “I think I was 9, too. Or 6, even.”

What’s odd about all this is that I care about my age only because of how some people react to it. My doctor, for example, seems to think I’m old enough to need to moderate my intake of dietary fats, sugars and wines, and that can’t be right.

So I may have a case of mentally healthy denial. But it’s not vanity — I assure you, I’m way too young for that kind of nonsense.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at http://www.creators.com.

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