W. Bruce Cameron: Best in Show

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2007.

I suppose it is a sign that I am finally being taken seriously by the literary community — have, in fact, risen to the pinnacle of my profession — that I recently was asked to judge a Halloween-costume contest for dogs.

To be entirely accurate, I wasn’t an actual judge. Apparently, I’m not qualified to render a decision on matters such as which miniature poodle looks most like Batman. Instead, I manned a microphone during the competition and made announcements like, “Please be reminded that contestants are not allowed to pee inside the contest arena.”

I’ll bet you that’s not the sort of thing you hear at a Miss America Pageant.

The contest itself was held to benefit a charitable organization called Nikeno’s Second Chances, which provides training for pets being adopted from animal shelters. Abandoned animals often have behavioral issues that need attention before they are suitable for placement in people’s homes. Unfortunately, Nikeno’s does not address behavioral issues in teenagers, so don’t try dropping them off.

Some of the costumes were very elaborate — three wiener dogs, as an example, came dressed as wieners. They could barely walk because they each were laughing so hard at how the other two were dressed. The contestants were supposed to parade in a circle, stopping in front of me so I could interview them about world peace, but a lot of the dogs veered off because they were distracted by the need to chew on their costumes. A Labrador I talked to had no comment about international politics, but his expression clearly communicated, “I wish I weren’t dressed like a chicken.”

Other animals were more enthusiastic. A white German shepherd dressed as Pegasus happily pranced into the ring, as if to say: “Look at me! I have wings — plus, I just passed the snack table and swiped some cupcakes!” A golden retriever dressed as Britney Spears looked thrilled to be out of rehab. And a pug in a lobster costume glared at people, as if saying: “You think pugs are ugly? Not compared to lobsters, we’re not!”

An animal psychic was on hand to look into the minds of the dogs and translate their feelings into words for the humans, such as, “Hey, how come Pegasus got to have cupcakes?” She reported that the Labrador would rather eat chickens than dress like them, which anyone could tell, since the dog was lying on the floor with its eyes closed so it wouldn’t have to look at itself.

She also predicted that my career as a writer would go better next year, because how could you do worse than hosting a dog costume party?

Actually, despite the fact that I didn’t see how this was going to get me short-listed for a Pulitzer, I enjoyed being the master of ceremonies for the event and also eating the cupcakes that Pegasus couldn’t reach.

When the time came to announce winners, everyone was really excited except the contestants. Some of the categories seemed suspiciously as if they had been created on the spot — the mixed breed dressed as a chili pepper, for example, really didn’t have any competition for Spiciest Costume, unless maybe you counted the basset hound in a bikini.

Two Shelties were dressed as weary travelers — to make their costumes more realistic, they lost their suitcases in Cleveland. Best Depiction of Creatures Not Found in Nature was a three-way tie between a unicorn, a dragon and Pamela Anderson. And when the chicken-garbed Labrador won for “Best Food-Themed Costume,” it groaned aloud at the humiliation. “Even the wiener dogs are laughing at me,” its mournful face seemed to say.

The judges, who had apparently undergone special training so that they were more qualified than I to award prizes for Most Nautical and for Best Costume With a Biblical Theme (Old Testament), decided to give the grand prize to the Britney Spears dog, on the condition that it not be allowed to drive home.

I sang the customary “Here She Comes, Miss Ameridog” song, while the dog, tears in its eyes, strolled down the runway and lifted its leg on my podium.

When I left the stage, the wiener dogs were still laughing.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at http://www.creators.com.

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