Bruce Cameron

May 15, 20130

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2008.

Finally, a practical method for extending one’s life: Researchers at the Harvard Medical School have concluded that a person can slow the aging process and prevent disease by drinking around 750 bottles of red wine a day.

Maybe “practical” isn’t the right word — how about “insane”? Because, for me anyway, drinking 750 bottles of red wine a day would be a little excessive — I simply don’t have that kind of money. And, as much as I’d like to extend my lifespan, I don’t want to do it in a coma. That much wine isn’t just too much for a single person, it’s too much for a wedding.

The key to red wine’s anti-aging capability is a chemical called resveratrol, or so say those drunken fools at the Harvard Medical School. Large quantities of resveratrol enabled mice to live longer, ward off disease and sing bar songs. They also ran faster, though most of the time they were running to the bathroom.

According to a Website on alcohol consumption, if a 160-pound man drank 750 bottles of wine, his blood alcohol content would be approximately 86.5 percent. This is higher than the legal limit for operating a motor vehicle, even in Texas. Most states have a statutory cap of .08 percent, so you’d be more than 1,000 times over the limit — too drunk to drive, in other words, though if you were in Europe you could still go to a soccer match. At that level of intoxication, you’d have to drive an SUV just to have room for your liver, and if you blew into a breathalyzer it would burst into flames.

Officer: Sir, have you been drinking?

You: Drinking? I can’t even breathe.

Of course, not everyone weighs 160 pounds. In fact, by my calculations, drinking 750 bottles of wine would not be excessive for a man weighing 9,500 pounds — he’d still be legally able to operate a motor vehicle, though by and large it is not advisable to drive a car if you can’t fit inside it.

I spoke to a police officer, who told me that people should not drive if they feel that their ability to do so is inhibited by paralysis and death.

He seemed skeptical of the idea that 750 bottles of wine a day would cause someone to live longer, but he didn’t go to Harvard, so maybe he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He also said that if he pulled someone over on suspicion of driving under the influence and the driver weighed 9,500 pounds, he would call for backup.

Researchers have discovered similar longevity-enhancing effects from low-calorie diets, though the mice in those studies seemed a lot more grumpy. They lived longer, were more active and spent most of their time trying to figure out how to tunnel into the cages with the mice who drank wine. People who don’t want to go the 750-bottle route might consider reducing their calorie consumption by 30 percent to 40 percent, as long as they don’t mind screaming at people for no reason and bursting into tears at Burger King commercials.

People who both reduce their caloric intake by 30 percent to 40 percent and increase their alcohol consumption to 750 bottles per day not only will live longer but can probably manage to do other impossible stuff, like become invisible, have heat vision and understand how to do their income taxes.

Oddly, white wine, distilled spirits and beer do not appear to have the same life-enhancing benefits, though they do seem to lead to a greater incidence of karaoke. Also odd is that one’s life expectancy does not increase from eating donuts and cinnamon rolls. (Well OK, it may not be odd, exactly, but it’s certainly inconvenient.)

I asked the same police officer whether he thought people could reduce their caloric intake by 40 percent while eating donuts, and he said yes. He was very calm when he said this, so I’m going to assume he’s currently eating at 100 percent.

As for me, I’ve decided that any resveratrol that finds its way into my bloodstream is going to be pretty lonely. I want to live longer, sure, but not if, in doing so, I have to drink myself to death.

(Bruce Cameron has a website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com).