Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2009.

In an effort to stimulate the American economy, I bought a bunch of products from China.

I really did want to single handedly jump start U.S. consumer spending and maybe be awarded a medal or a free trip to Camp David or something. But I don’t have a lot of spare cash because, just like the AIG executives, I didn’t do anything to deserve a huge bonus this year — but, unlike the AIG executives, I didn’t receive one.

Probably the best thing I could do for my country would be to go out and buy a new automobile, but I only have a hundred dollars or so, which is not enough to buy a car, though ironically, it may be enough to buy a car company.

Based on the recommendation of a very emphatic TV spokesperson, I purchased something I think was called the “Slap Wow.” Simply place a clove of garlic beneath the always sharp blades, apply a quick slap, and miraculously the garlic is peeled and chopped! Or put an onion inside it, give it a slap, and voila! You have an entire baked lasagna! Three slaps, and you’ve carved a pumpkin into a carriage to take Cinderella to the ball!

When I placed a carrot beneath the blades and slapped, it vanished from view, gone more quickly than the Slap-Wow people had cashed my check. Frowning, I peered at the thing, unwilling to believe that for the Low, Low, Act Now Supplies Are Limited Price (Because We Have in Stock Only as Many as They Can Make in China), I had been shipped a device capable of teleporting a carrot into another dimension.

Captain Kirk: Slap-Wow me up, Scottie!

When I turned the Slap Wow over, I saw that the carrot hadn’t really been sent to the USS Enterprise. Chunks of it were stuck in the Slap Wow’s teeth — chunks that were very difficult to dislodge because what they failed to ship with the Slap Wow was some Slap Floss. Eventually, I had to use a knife and chop the carrot into pieces. Voila! Chopped carrots!

Onions, squash, peppers — just a couple of slaps plus some digging around and chopping with a knife, and I had a mound of cut and very badly abused vegetables, all broken into irregular shapes as if I had tried to slice them with a beaver.

But wait, there’s more!

Because I Acted Now While the Operators Were Standing By (too excited to sit, I suppose) I also received, Absolutely Free With My Order (that I paid for), a cheese grater. The thing even had a name, “Grady,” as if it were a golden retriever.

Frankly, a golden retriever would have done a better job, in my opinion. You don’t slap the Cheese Grady, you twist it, grunting and swearing (this last part is optional). Eventually, out of Grady’s rear end a thin worm of cheese dribbles onto the counter, an appetizing sight, let me tell you.

With some experimenting, I determined that Grady performed worse with soft cheeses, like mozzarella, than with other kinds, like, well, grated. For most cheese-grating jobs, then, I’d recommend you use something designed to grate cheese, such as a cheese grater.

Not that Grady is completely worthless: It can very ably perform other functions, such as “sit” and “stay.”

To clean Grady, you simply put it in the dishwasher on the melt rack. The Slap Wow is more difficult because you need to Stab-Wow all the Stuck-Wow vegetables. Be careful, though — while the Slap Wow may have some difficulty slicing vegetables, it proves to be very capable when it comes to fingers.

Sitting next to each other on the counter, the Slap Wow and Grady the non-cheese-grating cheese grater look as handsome and glamorous as only two made-in-China plastic kitchen appliances possibly can.

And, as it turned out, purchasing the Slap Wow and its pet Grady did wind up stimulating the American economy after all, because after messing around for an hour or so, I went to the store and bought a Knife Wow and a new Cheese Grater Wow.

Both of them manufactured in the United States.

(Bruce Cameron has a website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com.)

To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at http://www.creators.com.

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