Bruce Cameron

Editor's Note: The following column was originally published in 2009.

I recently stumbled across one of the great literary works of all time: Betty-Anne's Helpful Household Hints, Vol. 1, by Betty-Anne Hastings (Ventura, 1983).

I did some pretty extensive, high-level research into the author (I Googled her name), and the only thing mentioned is this book. Judging by her photograph, however, back in 1983 she was a young, attractive woman with skin so smooth botox would only give her wrinkles.

Her advice is priceless. Having trouble keeping your baby in his high chair (page 19)? Simply line his chair with that anti-skid material used in hotel bathtubs -- you know, the grainy, sandpaper stuff. That's right, you're supposed to use that on your baby. Heck, Betty-Anne, why not just use a stapler on the poor kid?

With your baby afraid to move a muscle, you're free to pursue another tip: cutting old bicycle inner tubes into rubber bands (page 51). This will save you a lot of money because rubber bands cost about a penny apiece.

Speaking of saving money, here is a "decorator tip." If you have leftover carpet, cut it into irregular pieces and glue it to the walls (page 44). "It's very chic," Betty-Anne promises. "A decorator would charge a lot of money for that idea." So when your neighbor comes over to borrow some dirty black rubber bands, she'll be in awe that you have such chic chunks of carpet on the wall.

"You must have paid your decorator a fortune!" your neighbor will gush. (We'll keep the real source of this genius idea to ourselves.) Your cat will love that you've turned your living room into a giant scratching post, and you've added a safety feature in case your house is ever in a roll-over accident.

Her fashion sense isn't limited to making your walls look like your floors -- Betty-Anne also has ideas for what to do with old, out-of-style neckties. They can make "a sumptuous belt," she promises. Or tie it around your forehead for a "smashing headband!" True, you'll probably wind up looking like you were trying to slide your tie up over your head and got it stuck, but by this time your neighbors will all think you're crazy anyway.

She also says ties make "great toys for kids." To play what, hangman? You can also fill them with old pantyhose to make a "cuddly snake." Your baby will love it! (What choice does the kid have? If he displeases you, you'll put him back in the skin-ripping chair.)

Betty-Anne also admonishes us to save our toothpaste tubes. "The next time you are using glue, fill the leftover toothpaste tube, and squeeze" (page 43). Now, let's leave aside for a moment the fact that Betty-Anne is suggesting something very similar to putting toothpaste back in the tube, which I'm going to guess is probably pretty hard to do. My question is, why not just use the tube the glue came in? She also suggests using toothpaste tubes to squeeze out frosting to decorate cakes, which means dessert will taste faintly of Colgate.

Speaking of cakes, Betty-Anne says that it's a shame to throw out milk just because it has spoiled. Why not make your family a "sour-milk cake" (page 48)? She promises it will "surprise the family" (oh, I bet it will). And don't worry about them getting bad breath from the spoiled milk -- their mouths will be fresh and clean from the toothpaste frosting!

Looking for a clever way to decorate your gift packages? Why not dry out some chicken bones, paint them, put glitter on them and tie them to the bows (page 38)? Think how thrilled people will be to see their chicken-bone packages, all filled with cuddly necktie snakes!

Betty-Anne also has a whole section on parenting, my favorite of which is "stop those arguments about which TV show to watch -- just let your children vote!"

Betty-Anne, have you ever met any children? And since when does voting stop arguments, anyway? It sure doesn't work for Congress.

The best part is that this is merely volume No. 1. I'm glued to my seat (with bathtub applique) waiting for No. 2!

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at http://www.creators.com.

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