Bruce Cameron

After considerable research, I have reached the conclusion that some foods contain insidious, evil little things called “calories.”

A “calorie” is the amount of energy it takes to raise 1 kilogram of water (2.2 pounds) by 1 degree Celsius. A gallon of vanilla ice cream has 2,320 calories in it, which is why, if you accidentally knock a carton of ice cream into a sink full of water, the water will instantly start boiling.

Food has calories so that you’ll look fat at your high school reunion. They sneak into your body with every mouthful, so the best way to reduce them is to chew carefully and then not swallow.

Ironically, calories themselves are tasteless, but the foods that taste the best generally have more calories. (When I say “ironically,” I mean “tragically.”) For example, I can have tuna-noodle casserole for dinner, and my body will absorb almost no calories — but that’s mainly due to my gag reflex. Ice cream, however, is another matter.

When I eat ice cream, I try not to scoop out the very bottom of the carton, because I’m convinced that’s where most of the calories are lurking. Also, now that I know about calories causing heat, I try to eat more slowly so my tongue won’t burst into flames. (I also use chocolate sauce as a fire retardant.)

This means that a dinner of tuna-noodle casserole with a chocolate sundae for dessert will consist mainly of chocolate-sundae dessert. The calories that I get from dessert are offset by the calories I don’t get from the casserole, so-called “negative calories.”

If I eat 800 calories of chocolate sundae, I must therefore not eat 800 calories worth of tuna noodle, though if I want to lose weight I should probably not eat maybe 1,000 calories.

Many foods now come with a label explaining how many calories are contained in a single serving. A “serving” varies depending on how badly the food manufacturer wants to trick you. So a single potato chip can be “15 servings,” leading you to conclude that you can eat a lot of potato chips, washing them down with 12 servings (1 can) of cola, and not get enough calories to worry about. If you start using the food labels to calculate how many calories you are actually eating, it is time to stop reading the food labels.

If you’re concerned that you’re gaining too much weight, you should first ask yourself a question: Do you have to go to your high school reunion? Why not skip the thing and just visit a Dairy Queen?

If you’re determined to go because you still believe, deep down, that you’ve got a shot at sitting at the popular table, you’re going to need to experience what’s called a “calorie deficit,” which is just a fancy way of saying “pain.” There’s only so much tuna-noodle casserole you can’t eat, so you’ll have to start adopting more effective measures, like eating only the ice cream from the top of the carton.

Exercise “burns” calories, which is why exercise causes a “burning sensation” and should be avoided. Lying on the floor watching TV burns about 80 calories an hour, though I assume you lose a lot more weight watching a hockey game than a wedding movie. (Hockey is such an active sport that those guys sometimes start punching each other just to get some rest.)

If you watch 10 hours of hockey a day, you’ll burn up 800 calories, which is a lot, in my opinion. If every 8 calories equals 1 pound, you can lose about 100 pounds before you’ve even made it through the playoffs.

The problem is, of course, that 8 calories does not equal a full pound. (Did you really think it was going to be that easy?) You have to burn 3,500 calories for 1 pound, which is why the Dairy Queen is starting to look better all the time. Three thousand five hundred calories! No one can watch that much hockey. Thank goodness we have baseball — those games can last for hours.

That’s why, if you come to my house, you’ll find me on the floor, watching sports.

I have a reunion coming up.

(Bruce Cameron has a website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com.)

To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at http://www.creators.com.

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