Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2010.

My father is a very active participant in passive television viewing. He watches a wide-ranging variety of primetime shows, such as “CSI,” “CSI: Miami,” “CSI: Las Vegas” and “CSI: Pre-School.” He watches the news, he watches historical dramas like “Band of Brothers,” he watches horror shows like “American Idol.”

And then, just to drive me crazy, he watches this fishing show I call “Two Smelly Guys in a Boat.”

The plot of the show concerns two men who have been left out in the sun too long, bobbing around in a small boat, catching what I swear is exactly the same fish over and over again.

My father likes to turn on the show in the late afternoon, settle into his chair and concentrate on the show’s exciting developments by closing his eyes and letting his chin rest on his breastbone. To make sure he doesn’t miss any of the action, he closes his eyes and, if the show is really exciting, snores.

This means that when I am bonding with my father, I’m stuck watching “Two Smelly Guys in a Boat” with the sound turned off, so I wind up imagining the dialogue for our piscatorial pals, whom I’ve nicknamed Purvis and Lunk.

Purvis: OK, Lunk, let’s say we throttle back here and drop a line in the water.

Lunk: I haven’t had a date with a woman in eight years.

Purvis: Now this is the life. Haven’t had this much fun since yesterday.

Lunk: Someone please help me.

Purvis: Here we go! I’ve hooked one.

Lunk: What a shock, a fish on a fishing show.

Purvis: (Pulling fish into boat) What a beauty!

Fish: Thanks, Purvis. You don’t look so bad yourself. Where do you find those plaid shirts you always wear? I want to get one for my wife.

Lunk: It’s not “shirts.” It’s the same shirt. Every single day, he wears the same shirt. Believe me, if you had Smell-A-Vision (TM), you’d know.

Purvis: This is a largemouth bass, a real nice one, just like the one we caught yesterday.

Fish: Yesterday, you really fooled me with that lure, ha ha.

Purvis: Ha ha.

Lunk: I could have been manager of a liquor store by now, but oh, no, I had to go into showbiz. “Let’s do the fishing show,” my agent told me. “Someone in Hollywood will see it, you’ll wind up doing a movie with Jennifer Aniston, like maybe one where a fish dies instead of a dog.” Instead, I’m out here in a boat with a guy who smells like a fish and a fish who smells like the guy. Women don’t return my calls, not even my mother.

Purvis: I’d say this one weighs in at about 8 pounds, but we’ll check.

Fish: Thanks, I’ve been working out.

Purvis: Pumping iron?

Fish: No. Mostly just swimming.

Purvis: I’ll just place the hook in its mouth to weigh it ...

Fish: Hey, easy with that thing!

Purvis: Sorry.

Fish: You know, I wouldn’t be such a “large mouth” if you were more careful with that hook.

Purvis: The biggest largemouth on record weighed in at 22 pounds, 4 ounces.

Fish: Forget it, they don’t pay me enough to put on that kind of weight. It would take me years to get it back off.

Purvis: What do you say, Lunk, should we release this one, let him grow a little bigger for the next fella?

Lunk: I think we should throw you overboard with the anchor around your throat.

Fish: What do you mean, “next fella?” You two are the only idiots I ever see out here.

Lunk: Of course, the second Purvis hit the water, every fish in the lake would go into toxic shock.

Purvis: With catch-and-release, we can enjoy our sport and not deplete the fish stock. It’s a win-win.

Fish: Maybe it’s win-win to you — you’re not the one with a hook in his mouth.

Purvis: That’s going to do it for today. I’m Purvis, the star of “Two Smelly Guys in a Boat.”

Lunk: And I’m Lunk. Look for me on the next episode of “CSI: He Finally Stabbed Purvis.”

Fish: And I’m the fish. See you tomorrow!

(Bruce Cameron has a website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com.) COPYRIGHT 2014 CREATORS.COM