Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2010.

I always thought if you made something with a three-dimensional printer, you’d need to wear special glasses to look at it. I was wrong, though: A 3D printer can actually take something you designed on your computer and “print” the object out in hard plastic — such as, for example, a pair of 3D glasses.

3D printers give us what we’ve all been craving: another reason to talk to technical support. When you finally get the thing working, though, you’ll be able to print out your grocery list as a cube! When you look up directions online, you can print the map out on a globe! Turn your mother-in-law into a goat! (I’m not sure how you’d pull off this last one, but I think it would be worth a try.)

Jay Leno owns a 3D printer, which is another reason I want one: so I can talk to Jay Leno. I saw a picture of him holding a plastic wrench he had printed up — all he had to do was design the thing on his laptop, send it to the printer and, voila, faster than you can go to the hardware store, he had a tiny plastic wrench!

Actually, it probably wasn’t faster than he could have gone to the hardware store. Designing a wrench can’t be that easy — I imagine it took him several hours. But think of the money he saved (like, a dollar)!

With a 3D printer, you could build your own car, one part at a time. When you were finished, you’d have an automobile that is extremely lightweight because it is made of plastic, which is good because you’d need to carry it because it is made of plastic.

One 3D printer owner I read about built himself a cell-phone holder that looks like a hand gun, so that next time his wife calls he’ll pull the gun out of his pocket and cause a panic at the bank. I imagine that every time he answers his cell, the police get a call saying some nut is talking to himself and holding a gun to his head. After the third or fourth incident, I’m pretty sure the cops will conclude it would be easier just to shoot the guy.

A woman in the Netherlands reports that she has perfected a technique using the ashes of cremated humans and a 3D printer to fabricate useful items — she turned the late Anne Lindeboom into a toaster, for example. So if you’re not able to figure out how to make your mother-in-law into a goat, you’ve got another way to go. (It’s true — look it up!)

I even read about a group of scientists who are looking into using 3D printers to print up internal organs for when people need transplants. The organs would be cheaper than the real ones because they’d be, well, plastic.

Doctor: I have good news and really good news. The good news is we’re going to fix your ailing heart by giving you a brand new one out of our 3D printer!

Patient: Hooray! What’s the really good news?

Doctor: You’ll be dead.

Patient: How is that really good news?

Doctor: I need a new toaster.

Movie studios are using 3D printers more and more to make, well, 3D movies. For example, they used the technology to fabricate the body armor and swords in “Prince of Persia.” (Too bad that while they were at it they didn’t bother to print themselves up a good script.)

Of course, 3D printers are expensive — the one I looked at cost over $15,000 — and buying cremated remains for ink can’t be cheap, either. But think of the money you’ll save.

Kids: Dad, can we have hamburgers for dinner?

Me: Sure, I’ll just print them up!

Your neighbors will be envious of your 3D printer — and if they’re not, just print new neighbors. Design them so they’ll like to bring you pies, maybe, or want to do your yard work for you.

Now, I would agree that $15,000 is a lot of money for a printer, but think of it as a onetime investment: If it ever breaks, just get a friend to print you a new one.

(Bruce Cameron has a website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at http://www.creators.com.)

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