Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in July, 2010.

The Tour de France is on this month ... and on, and on, and on. It started July 4 in Belgium and will end in Paris on July 25 — about twice as long as it took the German army to cover the same distance, and they were walking.

You’d think a bicycle race would be fairly straightforward — people get on their bikes and ride, well, straight forward. But this is France, so it’s more complicated than that.

For one thing, the clothing the teams wear is extremely important (just like in that other hard-hitting sport, figure skating). Every team member wears the same uniform, unless you’re the best young rider, and then you wear a white jersey, or the best climber, and then you wear a fabulous outfit of red polka dots. (Look it up, I’m not kidding.)

For another thing, although overall it is a multi-day race, every stage is its own competition, each worth a lot of euros. (The euro is a currency used by Europe to transfer wealth from Germany to Greece.)

One stage of the race is completed by high-speed rail, which is probably a tough one to win: Everyone must be trying to crowd to the front of the train as it pulls into the station. And they have to be wearing the same color-coordinated jerseys and socks and underwear, which after several days of hot sun are probably not as fabulous as when they started. On the other hand, the riders must be relieved to get off their bikes and sit on the train and order beverages. (Now that’s a French sport!)

If there is a bike crash in the last 1,000 meters, everyone in the pack of bicyclists is awarded the same time. Perhaps we should use this rule in football.

Football Referee: Well, you were tackled 100 yards short of the goal line in a huge pile of players, so we’re awarding you the touchdown.

Football Player: Vive la France!

Football Referee: Of course, everyone else in the pile also gets a touchdown.

Football Player: Sacre bleu!

Sacre bleu is an old French curse meaning “sacred blue” — so, again with the outfit colors. I’m picturing two Frenchmen trading insults:

French Guy No. 1: You wear yellow underpants!

French Guy No. 2: May all of your socks leave little black fuzzy balls between your toes!

French Guy No. 1: Your mother’s colors are wrong for the season!

French Guy No. 2: Sacre bleu!

“Bleu” is the key ingredient in bleu cheese, which smells pretty much the same as that high-speed train when all those cyclists ride on it after 20 days of biking in their pretty outfits.

The people who run the Tour de France are not only strict on fashion, they are also against the athletes taking drugs. People who use dope are called “dopers,” while people who drink wine are called “whiners.” The French are known as world-class whiners.

For example, take their reaction to the World Cup, which is a very important championship sporting event where the players get together to compete at football but wind up playing soccer instead. France beat Ireland because the referee didn’t know he was supposed to be paying attention. Then one of the French soccer players was kicked off the team for swearing at the coach (maybe he called him “bleu”).

When a coach suspends a player for misbehaving, it’s called “discipline,” which started out as a French word meaning “mentor” but then the English took it and made it into “enforce behavior,” which shows you the difference between the two countries. The French players went on strike, which in France is pretty much the national pastime.

As you might expect, the striking players didn’t win the World Cup, but on the upside, they probably got to ride the train home, which in France is apparently the same as participating in professional athletics.

Maybe some of the soccer players will ride the train with the cyclists, and then they’ll get to say they competed in both the World Cup and the Tour de France the same day. Sacre bleu!

(Bruce Cameron has a website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at http://www.creators.com.)

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