Bruce Cameron

Editor’s Note: The following column was originally published in 2010.

Few things have ever given me as much national pride as learning that an American named Monte Pierce currently holds the world record for firing a dime the longest distance (10 feet, 10.5 inches) using his earlobe. China’s economy may be growing faster than ours, and maybe we aren’t competitive at soccer, but at this, using ears as slingshots, we excel. Take that, world.

I learned about this dime-shot accomplishment from the folks at Guinness, who manage the most famous list of the World’s Records for Things Idiots Do. Take, for example, Shridhar Chillal, who in July 1998 simultaneously set the world records for Longest Fingernails — 20 feet, 2.25 inches — and Worst Typist.

OK, I actually don’t know about the typist thing, but it seems like a pretty good bet. Probably Shridhar and Monte Pierce could travel together: Monte would shoot the dimes with his ears, and Shridhar would scrape them back to the table using just his fingernails.

Guinness makes a stout that has 7.5 percent alcohol, which might explain how they got into the business of making these lists in the first place, since when people drink enough of it they get ideas, such as, “Let’s see how many of Jack’s pigs we can fit into his Volkswagen.”

Working for Guinness probably means meeting some pretty interesting people — like, for example, Elaine Davidson, the record holder for “most pierced woman,” who has a face like a barbed-wire fence. Some of the objects impaling her skin are large enough for Monte to fire across the room with his earlobes, though others are tiny, and Davidson probably just wears them to frighten her husband.

But who would want to meet the aptly named Mark Hogg, the U.S. man who holds the record for “Most Worms Eaten”? Or how about Brad Byers, another American citizen, who currently reigns supreme as the record-holder for Most Swords Swallowed and Twisted. (I have heard of the swallowing thing before, but the rest of it is an odd, well, twist.)

I can’t imagine going out to eat with either the worm guy or the sword guy — the former because I couldn’t stand to watch him chew, and the latter because he waits to swallow his food before cutting it. I’m having trouble picturing who would have a tougher time getting through airport security, Brad with his swords or Elaine Davidson with her face full of fish hooks.

Speaking of dinner, an Australian man named John Allwood holds the title for the Most Watermelons Head-Butted in a Minute, at 40. There is no record of what John said after his accomplishment, or even if he could still talk. Nor is it clear what happened to the watermelons after the contest, because though they were pretty banged up, they appeared edible (as opposed to Mark Hogg’s worms, which weren’t edible even before the contest).

Me: Pass the mashed watermelon, please.

Elaine Davidson: I can’t. It’s stuck on my face.

Or how about Anthony Victor of India, who has the Longest Ear Hair (7.1 inches) and Paul Hunn, the British man whose World’s Loudest Burp came in at 107.1 decibels, or just slightly louder than a power mower. I imagine when those two amazing athletes get together and start showing off their world record trophies, the women are all over them. What could be more attractive?

There’s no substantiation to the rumor that Mark Hogg the Worm Guy claimed he could win the burping record, too, but that people begged him not to try.

Things are happening in Canada, as well, which holds the World Record for Most Canadians. Just this past August, Guinness certified that the municipality of Stanley, in Manitoba, set a new world record for Most Number of Combine Harvesters Working Simultaneously on a Single Field. I’ve seen photographs of this amazing event, and let me tell you that the whole thing was nearly as exciting as Indiana.

So if you want to be world-famous, just start drinking stout until it occurs to you to swallow something, or stick something in your skin, or smash something with your head. If that doesn’t work, try growing something until people are repulsed.

Your countrymen will be proud.

(Bruce Cameron has a website at http://www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage atwww.creators.com.)

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